Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Heavy Heart

My SIL wrote a post yesterday that moved me to tears (lots of posts have had me crying these last few days). I happen to be a pretty emotional person to begin with, I get that from my mom, but it seems like people are really touching my heart with their words. I have never been a person for change, I like routine, I like things to stay the same, etc.

Cindy wrote this wonderful post about friendships, Gabby (SIL) wrote about God's guidance, Betsy wrote about mourning a "certain" phase of her life, Jim and Laura wrote about moving and a few more people wrote things also. It really got me to thinking.....

Matt and I have really struggled in the last year with God's plan for our family. Most people know what we have been experiencing so I won't go into details. We aren't sure where God is leading us or what we are to be learning from this experience. I can't speak for Matt but I personally feel "lost" like God isn't really with us right now. I know in my heart He is but sometimes struggle to remember that. I know that most people go through a phase like this in life, lots of people go through bigger struggles than this but I can't seem to grasp the "bigger picture" so to speak.

What does God want me to do with life that will bring Him glory? Where does he want me to be? Is it here with friends and family? Or are we supposed to be somewhere else? I need a sign, and not some subtle one either. I need a flashing neon sign. I told my SIL "maybe He has shown me what he wants and I am just too stupid to see/understand it".

I am beginning to see that the stresses of this last year are effecting our entire family. Don't get me wrong we aren't on the verge of falling apart (at least not yet anyway) but we have "stress fractures". I have financial worries. They are hard on a family. I remember back from our "premarital counseling' days our preacher saying that was the #1 cause of divorce (again not on the verge of this just my mind processing everything). We know that isn't going to fix anything at all!!!!! Just remembering what causes stresses in marriage.

I say all this for a couple of reasons. First I would like to ask for everyone to pray that this phase in my life be one that I can grow from. Second I feel like I needed to get somethings "off my chest". I have always felt better after writing things down. I am blessed to know nobody is going to judge me for what I am thinking or feeling. That is the wonderful thing about being part of God's family. I know my friends will pray for me, when we moved to Knoxville almost 10 years ago I wasn't sure I would find friends that I felt that way about but I did :) I really admire my SIL for being able to open up like she did and put everything on the table. It is hard to admit when you do something wrong. It is even harder to admit it to everyone in "blog-land".

Pray that God will show me what I am to learn from this and that I can use my circumstances to bring Him Glory.

6 comments:

Ginger said...

It is very brave of you to share your worries/stresses with everyone. Have you ever read Max Lucado's book "Traveling Light?" If not, you need to go get it and read it! It is all about laying down your worries at the foot of the cross. That book helped me tremendously during rough times. You know how much I have come to love your entire family- you will always be in my prayers.

Sara said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with such sincerity and honesty. In today's society where there is immense pressue of trying to look like we've got it all together, it is tempting to stay silent about our struggles in life. However, we all go through problems and that's when it's important to turn to our friends for prayer and a listening ear. You are doing just that! Know that you are loved and will be in my prayers.

April said...

Holly, you can know that your family is in our prayers and thoughts. I, too, appreciate your refreshing honesty. Know that you are loved. We are "in your corner," so-to-speak. :)

Cindy Taylor said...

I am praying for your neon sign to appear...or a burning bush...or an angel in a vision...or whatever it is that God chooses to communicate with you. Just remember that no matter where you are or what you're doing (or not doing) you can still bring glory to God. He loves you and will never leave you, even though sometimes it feels that way. I love you Holly!

Kara said...

Thank you, Holly....you need to know that you are an encouragement to me, even though we've moved away. I so appreciate your comments on my blog, or that you take the time to read it since I know you are so busy! And I know you are in a holding pattern in life right now. Hang in there. I think when we are open and God gives us signs, be they neon or not, we see them. Of all people, you are not one to miss them, I don't think. We love you and will pray for you. In AA we say two things: "Fake it until you make it." and "When in doubt, just do the next right thing." Remember Proverbs 3:5-6

Melanie said...

I know some of the struggles you have been facing and understand how difficult it can be. I am amazed at your ability to remain positive and continue to provide a loving, carefree environment for you family- and Carter,your non-biological son. It would be so easy to let Satan take over but you have been too strong! I have been praying for you and will continue to keep you in my prayers. I hope God does let you know what his plan is, because the waiting is so difficult. We all need to remember to pray for one another daily. Each and every one of us is struggling in some way and we may not all be brave enough to be as honest about our difficulties as you have been. You are a great example to others Holly. I feel blessed to have you in my life and blessed even more to have you fill in as Carter's second mommy. We love you all! Romans 5:3-5